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Invisible Strength

July 17, 2010

This has been running through my mind lately. It came from my favorite author, Amy Tan. She used it in her book the Joy luck Club, but in her memoirs explained it as something her mother would say. Only it was less flattering and more about a loud fart being harmless and a silent fart being deadly. I like Invisible Strength more. It seems to mean different things to different people, but to me it is that strength that we never knew we had until we need it. It lives deep within only to be waken when you think “how can I go on?”  It is a sleeping dragon we never knew existed until it wakes up. My dragon is awake.

Bug has been having episodes.  She has been dropping her head. As innocent as it may sound I have been told that as a “new mother” i will “often over react to something” This is crap. A momma knows when something is wrong and something IS wrong. This isn’t just her bobbing her head. My 11 month old is acting like a new born. Her head will violently fall forward 4-5 times in a 10-15 minute period time and she acts like nothing happened. This stated a month ago and stopped when teething stopped. A week and a half went by and along with new signs of teething and sure enough a new tooth poking through (the 6th one in 9 weeks. We are shooting the tooth fairy on sight now) the head bobbing came back. The difference this time was that R saw it too. It scared him. Really scared him. The other thing is that happened was she started to slump a bit in the shoulder every now in then with the episodes.

Today I got her in to see her doctor and she was concerned. She said she thinks that it may be seizures. She wants to test for that before exploring other areas and I would have to agree. Now Bug is looking at 2 EEGs and a MRI. And of course one she will need to be sedated for and all 3 of them I will need to be sedated.

My body is tingling. I feel numb. I want to cry, but I don’t. My dragon is awake. I let myself cry, but now it is time to go on. One more thing for Bug to face (we have been through jaundice, acid reflux, and remittance to the hospital when she was 2 days old). I know that with R behind me and my love for Bug I will get through this no worse for the wear. The journey ahead will be rough, but Bug is a fighter (I have the black eye to prove it). She likes to laugh and with the scary things she will face I need to make her laugh to help her face them. My invisible strength will be needed.

What do you think invisible strength is? Where does yours come from?

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